


marktchampignons

by dilapidated



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Firbolg therapy, M/M, Sad Ending, Sorry Caduceus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 18:11:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18015812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dilapidated/pseuds/dilapidated
Summary: alternatively, 4 times caduceus tried his best, and 1 time it wasn’t enoughCaduceus gives cooking Zemnian food a shot.(based on a post by tumblr user acepalindrome)





	marktchampignons

  1. **_Clean 1 pound small button mushrooms. If they are large, halve them or quarter them._**



Caduceus hears the footsteps long before someone comes in. 

“Caduuuuceus!”

That’s Jester. He smiles.

“I just remembered something!!” She enters his room and grabs the cookbook from his desk. He’s tried to go through it, but has decided for the day that he didn’t want to read so much. He leans his elbow on the back edge of his chair.

“And what might that be?”

He watches as she flips open the tome, licking her thumb every so often to go through the pages. 

“There was…” Another lick. “A section I thought you might like. Here!”

Jester opens it up to a large double-page spread of a map of Wildemount, and various illustrations of mushrooms next to the landmarks.

“See?  _ Wildemount Classics. _ ” she points to the title. “And there’s even…” 

She takes a while longer to thumb through.

“Zemnian mushroom dishes!!!” Jester exclaims, doing jazz hands around the page. “Do you know what this means? You could cook-”

“I could cook something for Mr. Caleb!”

“I know! Isn’t that exciting?”

“Wow, that’s just- that’s just great.” Caduceus leans back in his chair. “All this time I was thinking it was a shame I didn’t know how to cook things the way he likes them.”

“Yoooou’re welcome, Caduceus.” Jester smiles sweetly, and pats him on the shoulder. “You know, you could really cheer him up with something like this. I would do it if I could cook, but, you know, I  _ can’t _ , so, I think you should give him a surprise!”

“Thank you, Jester.” 

“Glad I could help!” 

Caduceus watches as she saunters out the door.

Now, to actually read through this...

  1. **_Melt 1 tablespoon butter in a frying pan and heat 1 tablespoon oil with it. Add the mushrooms and sauté until the mushrooms are browned and have shrunk._**



Fjord comes back to his and Caduceus’s shared room, only to see him hunched over a large book.

“Uh, what are you working on?”

He answers with a question. “Could you tell me what this word says?”

Fjord leans in closer to look at the page. “That’s  _ tablespoon. _ ”

He sees him draw a spoon and write some unrecognizable script on a separate piece of paper.

“And this?”

“ _ Shrunk _ .”

Caduceus draws a small picture of a mushroom. It’s only now that Fjord notices that the other paper is filled with little drawings and writing made hastily using a small stub of charcoal.

“Are you trying to write yourself instructions?”

A pause. “Yes.”

“Uh-huh.”

“There’s no better time for learning than now.” Caduceus shrugs.

“If you’d like me to help you understand this, I would be glad to assist you.” Fjord notices that the margins of the book he’s reading from is also filled with small drawings. “Who is this for?”

“I’m trying, uh,” Caduceus hesitates. “I’m trying new things.”

“That’s for Caleb, right?”

“...Yeah.”

A small chuckle from Fjord. “Good luck with your endeavors, then. If you need anything, just let me know.”

“... Could you tell me what this says as well?”

  1. **_Make the sauce: While the mushrooms are cooking, in a smaller frying pan, heat 1 tablespoon butter and cook 1/2 cup finely chopped onion until it just begins to turn brown. Add 1 to 2 cloves minced garlic and sauté for 1 minute._**



When Caduceus harvests the vegetables he needs, he finds Beauregard and Yasha on a nearby bench. 

He doesn’t bother them.

  1. **_Stir in 1 cup heavy cream and bring to a boil. Cook until slightly reduced and thick. Stir in 3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley, 1/2 teaspoon lemon pepper, 1/4 teaspoon salt or to taste and a few drops Worcestershire sauce to taste._**



Nott pitter-patters into the kitchen.

“Weren’t we planning on going out for dinner at the pub earlier?”

“Yeah, but…”

“Oh! This is the thing Jester told me about.”

“Yeah.”

“How are they coming along?”

“Nicely.” Caduceus says, checking the pot and matching it to his piece of paper. “I hope he likes it. He doesn’t smile much these days.”

Nott puts herself on the tip of her toes and peeks at the skillet. “It smells very good.”

“Thanks, Nott.”

She narrows her eyes at him.

“You’re so obvious, Deucy.”

The statement actually brings a blush to his face. “What do you mean?”

“Be careful with my Caleb.”

Caduceus smiles nervously. “I will.”

  1. **_Serve sauce with sautéed mushrooms, rewarming as necessary_** _._



“Mister Caleb? Could you come here for a second?”

Caleb looks up from the book he was reading. “Uh,  _ ja.”  _ He replies simply, and gets off the bed to follow him.

The smell is what hits him first.

Warm summer evenings in the Zemni Fields. His mother’s cooking. His small family house. His dad’s hearty laughs. The smell of  _ home. _

Choking back something, Caleb sees Caduceus, trying his best, brandishing a small plate of mushrooms. “ _ Marktchampignons _ . I worked on my pronunciation.” 

_ The smell of… what used to be his home. _

“I… I’m not eating this.”

Caleb turns away and runs to his room.

Caduceus silently puts the plate back down, a guilt in his chest and words in his mouth.

_ What did he do wrong this time? _


End file.
